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2017: The year in preview

Enough of this looking back stuff. Let's look ahead to what to expect in 2017. Donald Trump will be inaugurated as the 45th, and possibly last, President of the United States.

Enough of this looking back stuff. Let's look ahead to what to expect in 2017.

Donald Trump will be inaugurated as the 45th, and possibly last, President of the United States. The event touches off wild celebrations in the capital; unfortunately, that capital is Moscow. The inaugural gala will have a hard time attracting major stars. The gala will be hosted by Steve Harvey, with entertainment provided by Pat Boone, Paul Anka, The Beach Boys, the surviving Everly Brother, Ted Nugent “for the young people”, and a Mill Brothers tribute band “for the blacks”. The gala will be black tie, red hat ...

When Albertans get their first heating bills under the NDP's carbon levy, thousands of Albertan will write to their MLAs, complaining that no one told them that putting a “price” on carbon was actually putting a “tax' on carbon. Faced with an uproar, the government responds with another $5 million ad campaign, promising that the carbon tax will create jobs, put an end to global warming and destroy ISIS. When asked how many jobs the carbon tax has created, Premier Rachel Notley will point to the dozens of jobs created in the advertising industry ...

In an effort to atone for last year's uproar over the lack of of African-American actors nominated for Oscars, the Academy will nominate Tyler Perry for “Boo! A Madea Halloween”. Unfortunately, he will be nominated in the Best Actress category …

The provincial Progressive Conservatives will select Jason Kenny as their leader. When Kenny asks that someone from the PC caucus resign so he can run in a byelection, he is surprised when everyone volunteers …

All Canadian teams make the NHL playoffs – except the Toronto Maple Leafs. TSN will devote two-hours of prime time to a special report: The Leafs: A National Tragedy; What Went Wrong? During the first game of the playoffs, Don Cherry breaks down and finally admits he has no interest in any team other than the Leafs, and walks off the Coach's Corner set. Ron MacLean then makes a terrible pun ...

The federal Conservatives will elect their new leader. The convention will be thrown into disarray when, after the first round ballots are counted, the leading vote getter is “none of the above”. In the second round of voting, there is more trouble when the leader is “Can Rona Ambrose just stay?” Confused by the situation, Chris Alexander starts a “lock her up” chant. A winner will eventually be chosen, and immediately described as Interim Leader Until After the Next Election ...

The provincial Liberals will choose a new leader. The leadership convention, held in the staff lunchroom of a Denny's in Red Deer, will choose basically anyone who paid the deposit …

Canada celebrates its 150th anniversary. To mark the occasion, the Trudeau government will hold a series of “Celebrate Canada 150” events, where you can meet the prime minister for just a $150 donation to the Liberal Party. Trudeau also starts a cross-country “150 selfies” tour. During the sesquicentennial celebration, dozens of books will be written about just how great and wonderful Canada is, and how incredibly modest, too …

In his first major decision, President Trump will nominate Judge Judy to the Supreme Court. When Judge Judy declines, saying she couldn't possibly take the pay cut, Trump will then promote Judge Marilyn Milian from The People's Court, Tweeting that he is proud to promote “a prominent Latina chick who makes Ruth Bader Ginsberg look like The Mummy” …

The provincial PCs and Wildrose announce a merger, under the new name Wildrose Alberta Conservatives, or WACs. When the media immediately dubs their members “Wackies”, the name is changed Progressive Wildrose Conservatives …

At some point in the year 1) a terrorist attack will kill dozens; 2) a gunman will go on a rampage in an American city; 3) a pointless fad will sweep the world for about a month, then vanish; and 4) people will continue to be outraged or offended by things that are not outrageous or offensive. In other words, just another year.