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A letter from Canada to our friends, the Americans

Dear America: Hi, folks, or as some of you like to say ‘hi, y'all'! Your neighbour Canada here. Just look north, or “up”.

Dear America:

Hi, folks, or as some of you like to say ‘hi, y'all'! Your neighbour Canada here. Just look north, or “up”. Hi, there we are!

So-o-o-, how's it going at your place? Not to pry or anything, but it seems a little, well, “noisy” down there.

I understand you're making some big decisions about who is going to run the house. If you don't mind me saying, we're just a wee bit concerned about your well-being. I know it's not our business what you do, but you are the biggest, richest, loudest, strongest house on the block, so what happens to you has an impact on the rest of the neighbourhood. And we in Canada are not alone. EVERYONE cares what goes on in your house.

So, please don't take offence, but may I ask ... have you folks gone crazy?

Sorry, that's a little blunt. Let me try that again.

Have you gone INSANE?

Wow, I'm really struggling here. My point is, I'm wondering what's wrong?

I see that Grandpa Donald and Grandma Hillary are fighting over who gets to run the house for the next four years. (We do that here, too. Right now, the children are running the place, but that's another story.) We all feel badly for you. It seems to be a case of the devil you know, or an even worse devil you also know.

A lot of you don't much care for Grandma Hillary. She has been around for a long time, and she's not exactly what you'd call huggable. I've seen dead fish with more warmth (sorry again). And to carry on the analogy, a lot of you say that there's something fishy about everything she does. She sells herself as the champion of the average guy, and yet she gave speeches to Wall Street firms that paid her $225,000 a pop. Some champion, right?

But c'mon. She's not evil. She's not crazy. She won't leave the house a smoking ruin if she runs it for a while. I mean, you chose Richard Nixon to run your house — twice! — and he was as crooked as a plate of spaghetti. And most importantly … she's not Grandpa Donald.

Again, no offence, but have you listened to this guy? He wants to build a wall to prevent your neighbours, Senor and Senora Mexico and all the little Mexicans, from sneaking into your backyard. Grandpa Donald says they are rapists and drug dealers, which is not a nice thing to say about your neighbours. I know a lot of you folks resent how how many times those Mexican kids break in and stay at your place without permission, but let's be honest here. I've seen them cutting your lawn and picking fruit off your trees because your kids won't do it, so keep that in mind when you go to build that wall.

You can argue policies all you like, but what you can't argue is that Grandpa Donald is, well, a jerk. Sorry, but he is. His attitude towards women is straight out of Mad Men. He calls his opponents liars, which used to be the line you did not cross in politics. He said your current boss, Barack Obama, was born in Kenya, despite all facts to the contrary. He wants to ban Muslims from entering your house. I mean, sheesh.

Grandpa Donald says the whole election is rigged, and he might not accept the result. This is probably the most dangerous thing he has said, basically urging his more rabid followers to deny the legitimacy of the Grandma Hillary presidency. It is from seeds like this that mighty revolutions grow.

Any way you look at this, you lose. If Grandma Hillary wins, Grandpa Trump's people will do everything they can to ruin her presidency. If Grandpa Trump wins, well … I don't even want to think about that.

Anyway, America, let me say one more thing.

I'm confused.

Why do so many millions of you seem to actively hate your government? Why do so many millions feel so left out of the American dream, so disconnected and distrustful of government, that they are willing to elect a guy who may be certifiably crazy? There are worse places to live in the world than the United States. Most of them, in fact. So why the hate?

Either way, folks, good luck. You'll need it.

Your friend,


P.S. No matter how this turns out, if any of you want to move over here, please give it some thought. And bring lots of American money.