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How I lost millions thanks to my email

I’m just sick about this. Thanks to Google Mail, I have lost out on possibly millions of dollars owed to me. American dollars, at that! I only discovered all of these missed opportunities when I idly looked into the ‘spam’ folder on my email.

I’m just sick about this.

Thanks to Google Mail, I have lost out on possibly millions of dollars owed to me. American dollars, at that!

I only discovered all of these missed opportunities when I idly looked into the ‘spam’ folder on my email. For those of you think of spam as a canned meat-like product and/or a Monty Python punchline, let me explain. Spam is internet lingo for what we used to call junk mail in the days when we got real mail. E-mail servers have mostly figured out what constitutes spam and relegate it to a separate folder apart from your “important” email.

But lo, what have I missed?! Millions!

In my spam folder, I found a message from ‘diplomat’ John Malvin, which read, in part: I have been trying to reach you on your telephone about an hour now just to inform you about my successful arrival in J.F.Kennedy Airport New York Usa with your consignment box, which I have been instructed by President of Federal Republic of Nigeria to be delivered to you as a (compensation) fund because, It was agreed that to retain the good image of Nigeria and the rest of African countries, all the victims who have lost their hard earn money to these faceless thieves will be compensated with some fund and also to help them to start a new life. please kindly reconfirm to me your destination information.

Well, it’s about time all those scam artists were forced to pay up. Diplomat John provided me with a phone number to call him within 24-hours to claim an unspecified amount of money. Well, I missed that deadline (thanks, G-mail!) but fortunately yet another caring diplomat, George Porter, wrote to say he was at “Fort Wayne Indiana International Airport USA with your consignment box, i know that you will be very surprise when you receive this mail.” I sure was! I had 24 hours to call him, too, but missed that deadline as well.

So now, I’m just sick. All these diplomats, just waiting to give me money, and I ignored them. But wait! Another offer came through the e-mail, the best one yet! Have you received your funds of $10.5 Million dollars from the IRS / Homeland office If not contact the information below, this Mail has been securely verified from the office of the United States Department Of Treasury. We are happy to inform you that at our office here in Washington we recover the sum of Ten Million five hundred thousand United State dollars from some Africa, Asia, United Kingdom and even here in the State from internet fraudster and gang with the help of international Criminal Committee and also the {F.B.I}.

I was a little suspicious of this one, in that the email address of the United States Department of Homeland Security was [email protected]. Call me suspicious, but I didn’t trust it. Happily, there was another offer awaiting me. Unhappily, I missed out on this one, too.

It was from George Anderson ([email protected]), who informed me that there was an ATM card with $1.5 million loaded on it, just for me! Woo-hoo! But George was waiting at the Atlantic City airport, and by the time I got this email, he was probably flying right back to Nigeria or something.

Dammit! Million and a half lost just like that! Well, I guess I could just get a new job, which are apparently plentiful and easy to get.

A company called ESP Technologies Group Ltd., “a diversified technology and manufacturing company, dealing with aerospace products and services; control Technologies for buildings, homes and industry; automotive product based in, England, United Kingdom” sent me a job inquiry. The job was in accounts receivable: cheques would be issued in my name from their clients, I cash them, and keep 10% for myself as my wage. An unusual way for a technology company to operate, so I passed.

Then there was the offer from InvisTrans Blockchain Finance, in the field of “transfers control”. Sounds good; I hear “transfers control” is a growth industry. The pay was $4,800 per month full time. The specifications called for “well-bred written and verbal speech” and “responsiveness, nicety, prompt attention”.

This is where they lost me. My written and verbal speech ain’t very well-bred, and no one has ever accused me of being nicety.

So, I guess I will just have to keep plugging away here at Prime Times. I’ll just have to keep a closer eye on the spam folder. I’m confident another diplomat will be along shortly.

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